Mechanical Jesus

As promised, I will now provide you with a photo essay entitled "My Journey Through Jerusalem" (subtitled: "Not Really Though")

So Rachel and Evelyn (another dear friend from the U.S./Mexico) discovered this theme park.

This theme park called Tierra Santa.

This theme park called Tierra Santa which is dedicated to showing (in a fun way???) Jesus' life and crucifixion.

Sorry, I had to write that several times because I'm still not sure the whole thing was real.... the words "theme park" and "crucifixion" should never be in the same sentence. It all kinda feels like a weird, vaguely sacreligious dream when I think back on it......

*CUE FLASHBACK MUSIC*

 

MY JOURNEY THROUGH JERUSALEM

(Not Really Though)

 

 

The story begins with a nun. On a bus.

 

A bus-nun.

 

A  bun.

 

Truth be told, we didn't exactly know where we were going. So I elbowed Rachel and whispered, "FOLLOW THE NUN." (We were, after all, headed to a Catholic theme park.) Rachel elbowed me back. "SHUT UP! SHE CAN HEAR YOU!"

 

"NO SHE CAN'T, I'M WHISPERING! ALSO SHE'S OLD! ALSO I'M SPEAKING IN ENGLISH!" I quietly whispered back.

 

Long story short, the nun totally got off at our stop and went to the theme park. Way to go, bus nun, don't give any thought to those silly stereotypes! In fact, prove them RIGHT! YOU GO, GIRL! DO THAT RELIGIOUS THEME PARK THANG!   

 

 

 

We were greeted by a camel and a Roman soldier:

 

Rachel left; camel right

Look, he's crying, he's sad.... he regrets his life choices

 

We witnessed the creation story:

On the fourth day God created strobe lights, and it was good. On the fifth day He created animatronic figurines, and it was kinda meh.

 

Took pics with Jesus Himself:

 

Jesus throwin down those Blessing Fingers

 

 

Entering Jerusalem!

 

Meeting the natives

Tasteful dancing

Chicken worship

 

 

Saw some Really Good Figurines

 

"Hey baby, whatchu doin for the year of Jubilee?" *wink*

Better without context

"You see these pecs? These constructed the wall between the Fish Gate and the Well of Sheep."

This guy was in the middle of a dentist visit.... but I prefer to imagine him yodeling.

 

 

 Snickered Paganly at Anachronisms

"Stand in front of the snack cart so I can take a picture of the hat that man is wearing."

 

No wonder that poor guy had to visit the dentist.

 

"No smoking"

"Then Jesus took a slice of pepperoni and said to his disciples, 'Can you believe Little Caesar's has these things for five bucks???'"

Over the wall

 

 

THE HIGHLIGHT:

 

While all the previous sights were very interesting (and kind of painful), the highlight has to be witnessing Jesus' resurrection.

That's right:

 

 In the center of the park there was a large mound (I am hesitant to say mountain because the whole thing was probably made of plaster) which showcased Jesus' crucifixion. From the rear of the mountain, a large mechanical Jesus rises up several times a day to, I don't know, be really creepy.

The park proudly touted Mechanical Jesus' 36 animatronic movements, which as far as I can tell entailed blinking, jerkily nodding, and turning very slightly to the left and the right.

 

Overall, it was.... it was........ pfffff, I don't have the adjectives for this.

 

Bibley.

 

It was very Bibley.