Stinky River City

For your convenience:

I. Introduction: Puerto Madero
II. When we were suddenly on a boat
III. When everything was more boring than anticipated
IV. When going off the beaten path was, like always, the best idea and why didn't we just start with that anyway
V. Round Two: Brazilian Style
VI. Conclusion


I. Introduction: PUERTO MADERO

I have been keeping a list of stuff I want to see and do while here in Buenos Aires, and we've been doing pretty well so far at economically checking things off. By "economically" I mean usually I don't pay more than bus fare and one meal for an adventure.

If you peep really close, you can kind of see "Madero" at the bottom of the list

 

We had heard tell of Puerto Madero several times; it was purported to be a sort of tourist heaven, filled with high class shops and beautiful architecture. Unfortunately, it turns out that what Rachel and I consider beautiful architecture (old, graceful European-style buildings) is not what attracts The Tourists. What attracts The Tourists is apparently:

ooooohhhhh, ahhhhhhhhhh

 



According to hearsay (as in, I heard Rachel say it), Puerto Madero didn't exist fifteen years ago. As the river shrank, Buenos Aires continued expanding.... and somebody decided that putting an ultra-fancy district on the newly exposed land would trick everyone into coming within three miles of the stinky river.


II. We're on a Boat

As we began our adventure, a pirate-style ship docked in the river caught our attention. We like old things, so we gazed admiringly upon its masts and ropes and stuff. Then we realized it was a museum, and for two pesos (a measly 25 cents) you could walk its aged planks and see things like:

 

A group of full-grown men wearing almost the exact same outfit

Maybe they were a bowling team?

if my drivers ed instructor could see me now, he would DEFINITELY slam on that special little passenger-side brake.

Weapons of mass-- what was I saying? I keep getting distracted by how frighteningly genuine Rachel's expression is.

President Sarmiento (he's the one on the left)

(Whoops I mean right)

(Haha it's like drivers ed all over again)

(Haha why do I keep talking about drivers ed)

(No one knows)

(Secrets)

So ropey

Majestic Argentine flag in background, Majestic Students in middleground, Majestic Selfie Arm in foreground

 

 

III. This part is so boring you shouldn't even read it

 

We got to the part that was built to appease The Tourists. It was boring and expensive.

 

(Apologies to Marcello, who liked it)

 

IV. Choose your own adventure

As always, we forged our own trail mostly because we didn't know where we were going. The less touristy section of Puerto Madero included some rare gems. Like topaz. And amethyst.

 

And this:

LOOK HOW GOOD I AM AT LOOKING WINDBLOWN

 

The other interesting part of our off-road adventures was a very strange swampside ampitheatre-boardwalk combo. We keep finding these places that look like they were once meant for some grand purpose, but have since been left to fend off weeds and vagrant poop.

It sort of had a feeling of melancholy... like a forgotten civilization...

Of course Rachel had to climb on the sunken thing

What is this and can Hayao Miyazaki make a movie about it?

 



Deserted places are eerily beautiful.

 

 

V. We were convinced to return.

Some days later, the magical Power of Brazilian Friendship drew us back, this time to Costanera-- Puerto Madero's ecological reserve.

 

Secret Identity: Marcello

Strength: Tri-lingual

Weakness: Ketchup

 

Despite the day being sunny and warm (i.e. not ideal bug weather), we were accosted by mosquitoes to the point that we shrunk into tiny shriveled bags of skin, having been drained of our lifeblood.

 

The colorless mass below is my leg. When I got home I found that someone had digitally altered my skin so that each bug bite was highlighted by a bright red, poorly-drawn circle. Hopefully this will wear off in a few days.

 

 

 

 

VI. Conclusion

 

The end.

 

 



That Love Connection, Tho

Sometimes you go into something fearing the worst. I expected to spend most of my time in Argentina fighting my fears, barely hanging on, and regretting my decision to try this study-abroad thing again.

When I decided to go through with it-- when I actually said goodbye to my family, walked through airport security and got on the plane, I thought I was going to have to just "make it through" for four months.

I don't think I've ever been so wrong before :)

It feels like an appropriate time to talk about what is probably THE BEST EVER THING about Argentina:

 

Iglesia Evangelica Bautista de Barrio Norte!
(P.S. for non-Spanish speakers that's "Evangelical Baptist Church of Barrio Norte")

 

 

 

At first this flattering picture may seem unrelated to the previous sentence fragment. However, if you look closer, you will see that this photo OBVIOUSLY takes place in a church. I mean, look at that glowy light. The tan walls. THOSE TAN WALLS ARE SO HOLY, MAN.

 

Before winging my way o'er the majority of a continent sixtysomething days ago, I remember telling my mom I felt confident that God would provide us with a church near to the residence. I just had no idea it would be SO FREAKING AWESOME.

 

SO.

 

FREAKING.

 

 

Here are some of the reasons for its glorious stand-outness:

 

1. Like actually probably around half of the people that go here are Brazilian. (And basically everyone else is from Chile, Colombia, El Salvador, Costa Rica...) Sometimes (*coughcough* all the time) when we're chilling together, people will spontaneously burst out speaking in Portugese instead of Spanish. While these two languages share mebbe 40% of their vocabulary, it still mostly sounds like gibberish to me and I can't really understand it. However, there are so many Brazilian attendees that some native Spanish-speakers are picking up Portugese. I like this :) To me, it shows compassion, concern, and interest in the culture of others.

 

OMGGGG, SO MANY BRAZILIANS

 

(also pictured-- 1 Colombian, 1 Chilean, 1 Argentine, 1 Ukranian)

 

 

2. There are activities almost every day of the week-- feeding the homeless, inviting neighbors in for English classes (which I will soon be teaching EEEEEK), meeting for prayer-- and I think this demonstrates a liveliness in the church that goes above and beyond simply going to a service on Sunday morning. This is what the church is about!!! Getting out there into the world!

 

Also it's about eating.

 

 

wow dude do i make that face all the time

 

why did nobody ever tell me

 

probably they did

 

and i ignored them

 

 

3. They are FAMILY. The vast majority of attendees are not from Argentina; they are studying or working here, sometimes planning to live in Buenos Aires for years. As most of us don't have our families with us, the church has become our family. I couldn't tell you how many hours I've spent with these guys. I have never, never felt SO comfortable away from home SO fast. They are kind and caring, generous and talented and intelligent, funny (like REALLY funny) and welcoming.

 

 

They're my brothers and sisters and good friends.

The Spirit of God is working in this place like I've never seen it before.

 

WOOHOO vaguely blurry photos are DA BESHT

 

Please note I was attacked from behind.

#haveyounoshame

#murderthebirthdaygirlwhydontyou

If I was a cake, I would be this cake.

Only one of us actually needs those glasses.

Ugh, Bethany, stop being so pale, it's gross

I got so many bug bites this day that I can't count them. Probably I contracted yellow fever.

PSYCH I GOT THE VACCINE LOLOLOLOL

Oh no I ruined a beautiful picture of Mauricio for the sake of humor!

From left to right: Boring, Brazilian, Colombian

 

THIS IS WHAT I WILL MISS THE MOST.

 

 

 



Kees Me, Baby

Today is another cultural note day. And it's NOT APPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN. Kind of like Song of Solomon. (let's see Hollywood try to make a movie version of THAT!) (actually PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE NO)

Do you like to kiss? Ya know, smooch, neck, make out, do the happy lip dance?

THEN YOU WOULD TOTALLY LOVE ARGENTINA.

I have kissed, like, SO many people since I have been here. Old people, young people, medium-aged people, ladies, dudes....... are you jealous yet?

Well YOU SHOULDN'T BE, you sicko. Jeesh, did you think I was kissing them on the LIPS or something? Ugh, ew. I don't even want to think about that.

No, here we do the Latin kiss, commonly referred to as "El Beso." When you meet someone-- whether you know them or not-- it is generally expected that the two of you will lean forward and meet in the middle with a kiss on the right cheek. RIGHT CHEEK is key, 'cause if you go left and they head the other direction, you might end up somewhat more intimately acqauinted than you wanted to. (I'm saving this move for when the moment is right)

I wasn't about to go out and take pictures of people actually kissing, because that would be weird (and also I'm a bad photographer and I'd have to be right up next to them and that would be even more weird), so you'll just have to settle for the photo series below.

 Some of my friends here are very surprised that we don't do the beso in the U.S. (I thought it was a well-known thing that we're all cold and unfeeling and stuff) Some of those friends have also had traumatic experiences in the States, having forgotten that we don't, and never will, expect a greeting kiss from strangers.

I have here hired a professional model to depict this scenario:

Latin Lover

COMIN IN FOR A LANDING

 

(Unsuspecting non-Latin Beso Recipient innocently engaging in common greeting ritual)

 

 

 
If you look closely, you'll notice that the Beso Recipient is up against a wall with nowhere to run to. This is a metaphor. YOU CAN'T ESCAPE THE BESO ONCE IT LEAVES THE FIRING TUBE.

Even if you're the one giving the beso, and you see the growing look of horror in your friend's eyes, and you see them shrinking back slightly in fear, there is NOTHING YOU CAN DO. Your mind cries, "¡No! ¡No! ¡Noooooo!" but an object in motion remains in motion.... so, with time slowing down around you, you draw closer and closer until your cheek hits their cheek and you make a small *smeck* noise with your lips to indicate the beso-finale.

Then and only then can you draw back in shame and avert your eyes, having committed a horrific social faux-pas.

Some final notes on El Beso:

For Latins-- no, people from the U.S. do not kiss each other when we meet. Not even friends. (Sometimes old ladies will kiss you but I don't know if anyone really likes that). Maybe we'll wave at each other, if we're friends. But if I tried to start doing the beso in the United States, people would look at me REALLY WEIRD and think I was trying to be all "cheta" and "Argentine." It just doesn't work :(  (but if you did accidentally beso someone, it wouldn't actually be as horrible as I made it sound)

For non-Latins: WHY DON'T WE DO THE BESO, YOU GUYS????? It's so great! It displays a personal interest in each person that you greet-- it forces you to acknowledge the presence of individuals instead of just the group. PLEASE CAN WE DO ITTTTTT?????

Typically, wait staff are excluded from the beso, and you also don't necessarily need to kiss everyone in a room when you enter for only a short period of time. However, classmates are included. And you can't just beso one person and not everyone else, because that's really rude. Probably you were trying to avoid kissing an entire Acting Class full of people. You rudist. You should just go to a rudist beach and be rude there with all your friends. OH WAIT you wouldn't HAVE friends because you a) didn't kiss them or b) kissed them, but in the wrong country.

This is why these cultural notes are necessary. No one wants to end up a rudist.

Put your money where your Boca is

We're going to play a short game. I will post several photos, and you have to guess whether each one is a picture of me or a picture of the Buenos Aires neighborhood "La Boca." It may be harder than you think, for we are very alike.

1.

 

2.

 

3.

 

4.

 

5.

 

6.

ANSWER KEY:

If you picked mostly "A's," you're outgoing and trustworthy. People seek your company. Wait for Mars and Jupiter to align.

If you picked mostly "B's," you're subliminally in love with me.

If you picked mostly "C's," you would probably pass an American standardized test.

If you picked mostly "D's," you actually thought I was going to make a legitimate answer key for this dumb test. How silly of you.



PSYCH

LEGITIMATE ANSWER KEY:
Everything that is not obviously my face is La Boca. If you missed some of the questions, it's okay. We look a lot alike.


Let me explain. La Boca is the area in Buenos Aires that I would be if I died and somehow happened to reincarnate into an entire neighborhood. Well, specifically I would be the small section of La Boca called "Caminito," which is famous for its wildly colored buildings.

 

 

Here are some commonalities between me and La Boca (which, by the way, translates to "The Mouth"):

 

~We are both extremely varied in our hues, and full of oddity

THIS old man, apparently dressed up as a human ant, was sighted multiple times during the course of our adventure.

IN A DIFFERENT PLACE EVERY TIME

 

 

~We both think Pope Francis is the bomb-diggity. Also that papier-mache figurines add just the right amount of weird.

Check dat papier-Pope up on the balcony

 

"Imitation and badly-proportioned replicas are the highest form of flattery"

The one in the middle is Evita. No one cares about the others.

 

 

 

 

~Our taste in interior AND exterior design is nearly identical.

 

 

 

 Warning to hypothetical future husband: this IS what our hypothetical future house is going to look like.

 

~Neither I nor La Boca are opposed to dogs dressed as humans.

 

 

In fact I think I am all for this.

 

In conclusion, I have found a kindred spirit in the haphazard stairwells and peeling paint of Caminito. Be warned, all ye who think to enter here, that it is VERY touristy. There isn't much to do other than look at cool buildings and pretend you're going to buy souvenirs, but to me it was worth it to see once.

 

Plus it gave me some good ideas for how to decorate my future house/apartment/cardboard box. If you have any full-size statues of the Pope laying around, gimme a ring and we'll figure out a price.