Kees Me, Baby

Today is another cultural note day. And it's NOT APPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN. Kind of like Song of Solomon. (let's see Hollywood try to make a movie version of THAT!) (actually PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE NO)

Do you like to kiss? Ya know, smooch, neck, make out, do the happy lip dance?

THEN YOU WOULD TOTALLY LOVE ARGENTINA.

I have kissed, like, SO many people since I have been here. Old people, young people, medium-aged people, ladies, dudes....... are you jealous yet?

Well YOU SHOULDN'T BE, you sicko. Jeesh, did you think I was kissing them on the LIPS or something? Ugh, ew. I don't even want to think about that.

No, here we do the Latin kiss, commonly referred to as "El Beso." When you meet someone-- whether you know them or not-- it is generally expected that the two of you will lean forward and meet in the middle with a kiss on the right cheek. RIGHT CHEEK is key, 'cause if you go left and they head the other direction, you might end up somewhat more intimately acqauinted than you wanted to. (I'm saving this move for when the moment is right)

I wasn't about to go out and take pictures of people actually kissing, because that would be weird (and also I'm a bad photographer and I'd have to be right up next to them and that would be even more weird), so you'll just have to settle for the photo series below.

 Some of my friends here are very surprised that we don't do the beso in the U.S. (I thought it was a well-known thing that we're all cold and unfeeling and stuff) Some of those friends have also had traumatic experiences in the States, having forgotten that we don't, and never will, expect a greeting kiss from strangers.

I have here hired a professional model to depict this scenario:

Latin Lover

COMIN IN FOR A LANDING

 

(Unsuspecting non-Latin Beso Recipient innocently engaging in common greeting ritual)

 

 

 
If you look closely, you'll notice that the Beso Recipient is up against a wall with nowhere to run to. This is a metaphor. YOU CAN'T ESCAPE THE BESO ONCE IT LEAVES THE FIRING TUBE.

Even if you're the one giving the beso, and you see the growing look of horror in your friend's eyes, and you see them shrinking back slightly in fear, there is NOTHING YOU CAN DO. Your mind cries, "¡No! ¡No! ¡Noooooo!" but an object in motion remains in motion.... so, with time slowing down around you, you draw closer and closer until your cheek hits their cheek and you make a small *smeck* noise with your lips to indicate the beso-finale.

Then and only then can you draw back in shame and avert your eyes, having committed a horrific social faux-pas.

Some final notes on El Beso:

For Latins-- no, people from the U.S. do not kiss each other when we meet. Not even friends. (Sometimes old ladies will kiss you but I don't know if anyone really likes that). Maybe we'll wave at each other, if we're friends. But if I tried to start doing the beso in the United States, people would look at me REALLY WEIRD and think I was trying to be all "cheta" and "Argentine." It just doesn't work :(  (but if you did accidentally beso someone, it wouldn't actually be as horrible as I made it sound)

For non-Latins: WHY DON'T WE DO THE BESO, YOU GUYS????? It's so great! It displays a personal interest in each person that you greet-- it forces you to acknowledge the presence of individuals instead of just the group. PLEASE CAN WE DO ITTTTTT?????

Typically, wait staff are excluded from the beso, and you also don't necessarily need to kiss everyone in a room when you enter for only a short period of time. However, classmates are included. And you can't just beso one person and not everyone else, because that's really rude. Probably you were trying to avoid kissing an entire Acting Class full of people. You rudist. You should just go to a rudist beach and be rude there with all your friends. OH WAIT you wouldn't HAVE friends because you a) didn't kiss them or b) kissed them, but in the wrong country.

This is why these cultural notes are necessary. No one wants to end up a rudist.