Futbol Fever

Remember that time I had a blog and I updated it more than once every eternity? Me too. This is the part where I admit my unfortunate tendency to totally move on to another project (in this case my comic blog at www.self-indulgentmonster.blogspot.com) and never, ever, ever finish the previous thing. Well, now that one more of my flaws is out in the open, let's move on to greener pastures.

Just as mate can not be passed over in a thorough examination of Argentine culture (because we all know that's the kind of examination I'm doing LOLOLOL), so must we fix our eyes on the great Latin American religion:

SOCCER.

Now, as some of my readers will know-- and by "some" I mean "everyone who is not from the U.S. and like three people who are"-- the World Cup is currently causing heart attacks across the globe. And the hero of the World Cup (at least for Argentines) is Lionel Messi, 27-year-old captain of the Argentine team. He is a wondrous creature.

First thought: "So majestic"

Second thought: "Why does he look like a leopard?"

I had heard many a passing comment about this "soccer god" and finally got to experience his impressive capabilities during the first Argentina game of the World Cup (here called the Mundial-- literally meaning "Global.") A half-hour bus ride took us to Parque Centenario, where an LCD screen had been constucted to quench the futbol-lust of several hundred fans.

 

Bask in the electric glow of pure emotion

Still some glow in the corner there, do you feel it

 

This was the second World Cup game I had ever watched. I am not experienced in "the soccer."  I had to ASK how long games last (answer: 90 minutes). I am not part of this world. I didn't know which player Messi was, because let's face it, they're all dressed the same and they run around in confusing little circles. Also, Messi is unusually short. His nickname is "La Pulga," or "The Flea," in reference to his size and agility. How am I supposed to keep a little tiny, speedy guy in my sights?

 

Anyway, I finally figured out which one was him. My first Messisighting occured in three distinct stages:

 

 

1:"Ohmahgoodness, I am so excited to see this guy play. Everybody says he's amazing. I can't wait for him to get the ball. Wow. Wow."

2: "Probably he's not thaaaaat much better than everybody else. I'm setting my hopes a little too high."

3: (actually sees him play) "AAAAUUUUUGHGHGHHGHGHGHG I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING SO PURELY AMAZING IN MY WHOLE LIFEEEEE"

 

 

He's really good, you guys.

 

Messi appears on advertisements for many things including stuff that has nothing to do with soccer. I've begun keeping a log of his appearances:

 

The text on this sign reads, "Proud of the product of our ground." (i.e., Messi)

 

Observed in my classroom building. Vaguely creeped out by the level of hero-worship.

Drink Coke and you too can emerge victorious from your previous state of 2-D-ness

Buy this television so you can look at Messi better!

 

Please note the juxtaposition of "Dios" (meaning "God") and Messi's head. THIS IS NOT A COINCIDENCE.

There he is, on some Lay's potato chips. Just in normal clothes, not his unifom or anything.

Messi is number 10. It is by far the most popular jersey you will see around here.

 

 

I bought myself a celeste-and-white jersey and took a picture drinking some mate. I could only be more stereotypically Argentine IF....

 

....I was eating an alfajor while reading a short story by Julio Cortazar.

 

 

Soccer is weird. Argentina is weird. Probably I am weird for not pooping my pants from excitement that the Mundial is taking place in the neighboring country. Maybe someday.

 

 

 

 

Arbitrary Culture Dump

Today's post will be an amalgam of weird things I've noticed that are different here than in the (two) places I've lived in the U.S.

TRAFFIC LIGHTS
Picture the scene: you're momentarily stopped at a red light, listening to some Backstreet Boys on your Walkman. As you're singing peppily along with the chorus, you realize you've been sitting there for some minutes-- it's probably about time for the light to change. You look upward at the glowing scarlet lamp, anticipating it to flash green at any time.

But wait. Not only are you apparently in the 90's, but you're also in Argentina! Things work differently here. CAN YOU SPOT WHAT IS WEIRD IN THIS VIDEO?????

 

That's right, here in the city traffic lights turn yellow again before they go green. This is amusing to me; it's like they're saying, "Rev your engines, folks!" In fact, I've witnessed multiple instances of people deciding that yellow is pretty close to green so they can just drive RIGHT NOW. And don't even get me started on the motorcycles. Those guys just do whatever they want.... if traffic's moving too slow then WATCH OUT PEDESTRIANS CAUSE YOU BOUT TO BE RUN DOWWWWNNN.

 

 

REFILLS

They don't happen.

 

This topic is distressing to me. Let's move on.

 

 

BRANDS

Just because it's in the same package DOES NOT MEAN it's the same product. For example, THIS:

 

 

Is NOT Cool Ranch. It is some horrible "cooked meat" flavor. Ugh. I'm shuddering just thinking about the day I unknowingly ate these chips.

While we're on the topic of brands, here's a little pronunciation lesson:

McDonald's
English pronunciation: "Mick-daw-nuhlds"
Spanish pronunciation: "Mac-dough-nahlds"

Nike
English pronunciation: "Nigh-kee"
Spanish pronunciation: Kinda like Bill Nye's last name, just with a "k" at the end. One syllable. This is also how my grandpa says "Nike," but he is not Latin. I don't have the heart to correct him.


"THE MYSTERIOUS POURING"
One thing I found vaguely unsettling when I first arrived is that when you order a drink in a restaurant, the waiter will almost always open the bottle for you and fill your glass approximately half full.

Subtle product placement

 

I am still not exactly sure why this is. What I DO know is that I have become accustomed to it, and if a waiter simply leaves our delicious, nutritious, refreshing Coca-Colas (great for the whole family!) on the table and then walks away, I will scoff at him behind his back. Whatever shall I do when I return to the U.S. and the wait staff shirk their duties to me in this this way? Surely I will exhaust my throat from so much scoffing and have to sue for damages.

 

 

WATER

 

While we're on the topic of liquids, let me briefly mention that if you order water in a restaurant, they will bring you a glass bottle of pure Bariloche spring water or some such nonsense. When I discovered this I was put out. In the U.S, tap water is the default, and it is typically free. Why in the world would I pay for something that I could just drink from the toilet if I wanted? The KEY, my friends, is to ask specifically for "agua de la canilla," tap water. If you leave out that important phrase you will end up paying beaucoup bucks for "spring" water that probably just came out of a tap somewhere else.

 

 

TIPPING

 

This is my favorite part. Tipping in Argentina is only 10 percent, and if you do a little less you won't get angrily chased into the parking lot, as has been known to happen in the States.

 

 

 

 

Now you have all the necessary information to order at a restaurant (if you only want water) and leave the correct tip, but no refills, and you should stop listening to the Backstreet Boys because that is, like, SO nineties. Jeesh, do I have to teach you EVERYTHING?

 

Bonus pic of me trying to fit my whole hand in my mouth

Result: unsuccessful

 

Mechanical Jesus

As promised, I will now provide you with a photo essay entitled "My Journey Through Jerusalem" (subtitled: "Not Really Though")

So Rachel and Evelyn (another dear friend from the U.S./Mexico) discovered this theme park.

This theme park called Tierra Santa.

This theme park called Tierra Santa which is dedicated to showing (in a fun way???) Jesus' life and crucifixion.

Sorry, I had to write that several times because I'm still not sure the whole thing was real.... the words "theme park" and "crucifixion" should never be in the same sentence. It all kinda feels like a weird, vaguely sacreligious dream when I think back on it......

*CUE FLASHBACK MUSIC*

 

MY JOURNEY THROUGH JERUSALEM

(Not Really Though)

 

 

The story begins with a nun. On a bus.

 

A bus-nun.

 

A  bun.

 

Truth be told, we didn't exactly know where we were going. So I elbowed Rachel and whispered, "FOLLOW THE NUN." (We were, after all, headed to a Catholic theme park.) Rachel elbowed me back. "SHUT UP! SHE CAN HEAR YOU!"

 

"NO SHE CAN'T, I'M WHISPERING! ALSO SHE'S OLD! ALSO I'M SPEAKING IN ENGLISH!" I quietly whispered back.

 

Long story short, the nun totally got off at our stop and went to the theme park. Way to go, bus nun, don't give any thought to those silly stereotypes! In fact, prove them RIGHT! YOU GO, GIRL! DO THAT RELIGIOUS THEME PARK THANG!   

 

 

 

We were greeted by a camel and a Roman soldier:

 

Rachel left; camel right

Look, he's crying, he's sad.... he regrets his life choices

 

We witnessed the creation story:

On the fourth day God created strobe lights, and it was good. On the fifth day He created animatronic figurines, and it was kinda meh.

 

Took pics with Jesus Himself:

 

Jesus throwin down those Blessing Fingers

 

 

Entering Jerusalem!

 

Meeting the natives

Tasteful dancing

Chicken worship

 

 

Saw some Really Good Figurines

 

"Hey baby, whatchu doin for the year of Jubilee?" *wink*

Better without context

"You see these pecs? These constructed the wall between the Fish Gate and the Well of Sheep."

This guy was in the middle of a dentist visit.... but I prefer to imagine him yodeling.

 

 

 Snickered Paganly at Anachronisms

"Stand in front of the snack cart so I can take a picture of the hat that man is wearing."

 

No wonder that poor guy had to visit the dentist.

 

"No smoking"

"Then Jesus took a slice of pepperoni and said to his disciples, 'Can you believe Little Caesar's has these things for five bucks???'"

Over the wall

 

 

THE HIGHLIGHT:

 

While all the previous sights were very interesting (and kind of painful), the highlight has to be witnessing Jesus' resurrection.

That's right:

 

 In the center of the park there was a large mound (I am hesitant to say mountain because the whole thing was probably made of plaster) which showcased Jesus' crucifixion. From the rear of the mountain, a large mechanical Jesus rises up several times a day to, I don't know, be really creepy.

The park proudly touted Mechanical Jesus' 36 animatronic movements, which as far as I can tell entailed blinking, jerkily nodding, and turning very slightly to the left and the right.

 

Overall, it was.... it was........ pfffff, I don't have the adjectives for this.

 

Bibley.

 

It was very Bibley.



Okay, Stop Keesing Me

Wow, it's been almost two weeks since I last wrote! Haha, whoops! Probably you checked for updates every day and then cried a single tear with some blood in it when you saw that there were none. Well, blood-cry no more, for I am about to enlighten you on another surprising aspect of Latin American culture.

I have things I SHOULD be writing about-- for example, our recent adventure to Tierra Santa, a theme park based on-- what else?? -- the life of Jesus:

"Visit Jerusalem in Buenos Aires all year long!"

Golgotha: Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

 

 

Ohohoho TRUST me, there will be a separate post for this strange, strange day.

BUT I enjoy writing culture posts like ONE THOUSAND MILLION TIMES MORE than writing about actual things we did, so I'm going to subject you to some interesting facts you didn't necessarily want to know on the topic of:

 

SMOKING

(For "How to be smokin hott," talk to me in person.)

(For "HELP HELP I AM ACTUALLY SMOKING BECAUSE MY BODY IS ON FIRE," then stop drop and roll, you dunce.)

 

This may be an interesting lesson for both my U.S. readers and my Latin American readers, because it's a very subtle difference between our cultures. You might never notice it, but when you do it says a lot about who we are. 

 

Background information: Cigarette smoking is VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY common in Argentina. Smoking was common in the U.S. about 30 years ago but is now generally seen as "uncool."  I don't know a lot of people who smoke, even in college, and it's actually kinda looked down on now.

 

Here comes the part that is going to be surprising to my U.S. friends: Cigarette packs in Argentina are REQUIRED BY LAW to carry a prominent anti-smoking photo and message. No matter what brand you buy, it's gonna look something like this:

 

"SMOKING CAUSES HEART AND RESPIRATORY DISEASES"

 

One side has this stark warning, while the other displays a delightful supporting photo:

 

"THE CONSUMPTION OF TOBACCO CAUSES HEART ATTACKS"

"Comfortable there in your hospital bed? That's good, because we're going to take your picture now."

 

I had never seen something like this before, so I began collecting empty cigarette boxes and photographing them for posterity:

 

"Healthy lung/ Smoker's lung"

"SMOKING CAUSES DEATH BY ASPHYXIATION"

"TOBACCO SMOKE IS A CAUSE OF SICKNESS AND DEATH"

"EACH CIGARETTE INTOXICATES"

(I'm not sure what this is supposed to be a picture of, but there's a bright red arrow. Bright red arrow= BAD.)

"SMOKING CAUSES CANCER"

"SMOKING TAKES YEARS OFF YOUR LIFE"

"HALF OF SMOKERS DIE FROM TOBACCO"

(Please note the freaking BODY TAG)

"CIGARETTES DAMAGE YOUR SEX LIFE"

Ahahaha, I like this one

 

"SMOKING CAN CAUSE AMPUTATION OF LEGS"

 

 

And my personal favorite:

"SMOKING IN THE HOME HURTS CHILDREN"

This is what we Communications Majors call "a pathos appeal."

 

 

Now the part that may be surprising to my Latin American friends: Cigarette companies in the United States don't reeeeeally have to put these graphic warnings on their products. They do have to say it causes cancer, but they just put one sentence in a little box on the side of the package. It's barely noticeable. For that reason, these pictures of lungs and sad children were kinda surprising to me when I got here.

 

 

The strange part is that the United States seems to have a much lower number of smokers right now than Argentina, and we don't have the scary pictures. Why is that? What's the difference? My curiosity has been aroused. Aaaaaaaaand that is the last time I will ever use the word aroused in a blog post.

 

Anyway, just something weird that I noticed. Hope you enjoyed some pictures of skanky lungs.